


The Failed Seductions of Chidi Anagonye

by Evayna



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Attempted Seduction, F/M, Giraffes, Happy Ending, Harm to Animals, Humor, Pining, Romantic Comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-28
Updated: 2018-09-28
Packaged: 2019-07-18 19:18:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16125005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evayna/pseuds/Evayna
Summary: What will triumph in matters of the heart - Eleanor's stubbornness or Chidi's obliviousness? And isn't it just torture waiting to find out...Set right after 'Leap to Faith' (S2 E9), this canon divergent story imagines Team Cockroach staying in the neighborhood a little longer as Eleanor pulls out all the stops trying to win over Chidi. Alcohol, nudity, flowers; even dumb nerd stuff. But perhaps friendship is the greatest gift of all? Jk, they totally kiss at the end.





	1. Chapter 1

There was no frozen yogurt at the frozen yogurt store.  
  
Palm trees were inverted, rootless, and the sweet little striped awnings that defined the square were vandalized with threats and typos. Eleanor had been to a lot of ragers, but nobody knew how to throw down a neighborhood like demons. They left behind a hell of a mess. The 'good place' had been got.  
  
A trotting sound came down the abandoned road.  
  
"Do you think we can kill that giraffe?"  
  
"What!?"  
  
When she looked over, Chidi's face was scrunched up like a rough draft.  
  
"I'm just thinking," mused Eleanor, "If we're stuck here for a while, we might need to get crafty."  
  
"Janet is right there?" Chidi gestured with both hands. "And she can manifest anything? We do _not_ need to get 'crafty'."  
  
"Would you like some giraffe meat, Eleanor?" Janet offered cheerfully.  
  
"Maybe," Eleanor considered, raising her eyebrows and pursing her lips. "With a bit of barbecue sauce…"  
  
"Eleanor, we barely escaped getting captured and tortured for eternity, perhaps we should regroup and make a plan instead of expanding our palates?"  
  
She turned around, hands on hips. "Well, have you got a plan? The way I see it, we're killing time until Michael and Janet can find a way to the Good Place. We don't know how this system works, we've got nothing to contribute."  
  
Michael trampled a disemboweled piñata. "Eleanor may be right there, Chidi." He shook paper gore off his foot as he approached. "This is a challenge even for me; your little human brain could probably use the breather.  
  
"That perspective sounds very convenient."  
  
Michael tossed off "And you'd never do something convenient…" as he continued investigating the wreckage.  
  
Eleanor took a step towards Chidi, tossing her hair. "I know relaxing is like, out of the question for you. But if you need to worry, maybe you can focus on something that doesn't involve 9 dimensional vortexes?"  
  
He smiled. "I don't think I need anyone's prompt to worry."  
  
She smirked. "No, but maybe I can give you some direction. You've thought a lot about what might happen to us in the Bad Place, right?"  
  
"Uh, yeah."  
  
Her nose crinkled a little. She loved it when his eyes bugged out like that. "But… what about the Good Place?"  
  
"Well, there would definitely be a big library-"  
  
"Uh huh."  
  
"And multi-course curated dinners, but I would _never_ get a stomach ache, and-"  
  
"Yup."  
  
"All my favorite philosophers would get together for rich discussion and-"  
  
"Yeah, I getcha. I meant what do you want to happen to _us_."  
  
"Oh. Well, I'd want us all to stay together. I don't know if we'd continue lessons, but you're all, you know… my friends."  
  
"Yeah." Eleanor's smile was too broad and flat to be convincing. "Friends. All of us. Equally… friends. Good." Her accent shifted uncontrollably, "You know what, I'm gonna go check in on some of those friends right now! See ya, Cheeds!"  
  
This was untenable. Eleanor's walk towards Jason and Tahani was nearly a jog, and she would rather die than jog. Again. She would rather die again. What was she doing?  
  
"Oh hello, Eleanor! Jason and I were just about to see if our house has been… destroyed." Tahani straightened her skirts. "Would you like to come along?"  
  
"Yes please!" she spoke through pearly whites. She squeezed in beside Jason and quickened their pace away from town.  
  
"Do you think that Janet will build us a new house? Like in a tree? With a rope ladder? Oh no! A slide!"  
  
"Probably," Eleanor answered, looking over her shoulder to see Chidi talking to Janet. "You could get a fireman's pole too."  
  
"And a stripper pole!"  
  
Tahani was visibly demoralized. "Do we really need two different poles, dear?"  
  
"Good point," Eleanor piped up, wiggling a finger. "Streamline by having firemen strippers."  
  
Tahani's brows went up. "That could work."  
  
They turned the bend and the mansion came into view.  
  
"Huh," said Eleanor.  
  
Jason hummed. "It's looking a little…"  
  
"Sideways." Tahani pressed her right ear to her shoulder, and the other two followed suit.  
  
Stepping delicately through a loose-hanging french door, Tahani gasped at the tumbled furniture.  
  
Eleanor came in after her with a light crunch. Her foot had gone through an oil painting. The floor was a wall. The wall was a floor? Both true, she figured.  
  
"Whoa," exclaimed Jason. He jumped onto the crooked settee. "The wall is lava!"  
  
"This is workable. I suppose," Tahani mumbled, looking into the adjoining drawing room. "At least it's not on fire."  
  
"I was expecting there to be literal lava, yeah."  
  
"You guys!" Jason called out, "Tonight I'm gonna sleep on the ceiling!"  
  
-  
  
An hour later they were all eating barbecue, dangling their feet off the kitchen counter, sitting on the cupboard doors.  
  
"How do you two do it?" Eleanor asked through a mouthful.  
  
"You mean like..."  
  
"No Jason, she doesn't mean that kind of 'do it'."  
  
"Actually," she smeared a napkin across her chin, "I kind of do. Not the details, at least not right now, but like, you two are a couple. Sort of. That thing with Janet was kind of confusing. But you at least know you like each other."  
  
Tahani looked softly at Jason. "I suppose we do. He's not who I'd usually pursue; he doesn't have even a passing resemblance to Idris Elba. But he's very sweet," her voice turned salacious "and he's a generous and _very_ energetic lover."  
  
"It's all about heart," Jason agreed, putting a hand on his chest. "And the boobs," he said, putting his other hand on his chest.  
  
"I've got heart!" Eleanor complained. She threw a bone away and it clattered against the doorframe, falling into the dining room and ricocheting between piled up edwardian dining chairs.  
  
"Eleanor," Tahani said very gently, "is this about Chidi?"  
  
"Like how Michael said in front of everybody that you love him but he doesn't love you back?" Jason offered, helpfully.  
  
She clicked her tongue. "Yeah, that would be it."  
  
"Are you seeking our advice?" Tahani asked, placing a manicured hand on Eleanor's back.  
  
She dropped her head to Tahani's shoulder. There wasn't far to go. How was she so tall even sitting down? You'd think the heels were doing most of the work… Eleanor sighed. "Yeah, I think I'm that desperate."  
  
"Don't worry," Jason said, passing her another piece of giraffe neck. (Turns out it's mostly neck meat.) "We'll help you."  
  
"You have many charms, Eleanor. I'm sure it won't take much to give him that little _push_."  
  
"You could just show him your boobs."  
  
Tahani bounced Eleanor off her shoulder. "Jason, we're talking about true love here."  
  
He nodded sagely. "Probably good to go fully nude then."  
  
Thoughtfully, Eleanor clambered to stand atop the cabinet doors and leaned back against the marble tile floor. It was cool on her back. "Actually, that might be a good idea."  
  
"Really you two!" Tahani exhaled. "Chidi is a man of _introspection_. You need to get to his heart through his intellectual passions, not his loins."  
  
"But I've already been doing all that book stuff. We do book stuff almost _every_ day." She bit into the juicy meat, chewing intensely. "I'm trying to jump too many steps ahead with feelings stuff. Gotta keep it simple." Determination swept over her features. "I need to seduce him first."  
  
Tahani's face failed to conceal her doubt as she hummed lowly.  
  
Jason's face was bright, "Yeah, you can do it!"  
  
"I think perhaps a bit of nuance is ne-"  
  
"Don't worry, hot stuff," she said, climbing down. "I'm not just gonna flash Chidi."  
  
"Oh good," Tahani said, relaxing her shoulders.  
  
"I'm gonna seduce him the good old Shellstrop way," she said, dropping to the oven below and looking up at them. "Alcohol."  
  
"I should have assumed," Tahani said into her hands.


	2. Chapter 2

The bar was originally a classic pub with dark wood paneling. The paneling was still there; and the booze, thankfully. It had actually taken her a couple minutes to notice the ceiling was entirely missing. Little lights moved around in the darkness above her head and it took a bump against the glass for her to notice the anglerfish. Demons had strange taste. Eleanor reached for a flavored vodka and took a draught of sour apple. Ladies first.  
  
"Hey Janet?"  
  
"Hi!"  
  
"Can you tell Chidi to come meet me here?"  
  
"Sure!"  
  
It was only when Janet vanished that Eleanor realized what a middle school move that had been. She didn't even ask him out herself. What was she gonna do next? Stuff notes in his locker? There was no point in writing a 'do you like me? y/n' card. He would draw in a box for 'unsure'. Eleanor laughed pathetically and thunked her shoulder against a pillar.  
  
The door creaked open and Eleanor took another swig. There was Chidi in a dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up.  
  
"Hey," he said, waving meekly.  
  
"Chidi!" she chimed. "Come have a drink!"  
  
"Is that radiator fluid?" he asked, looking earnest.  
  
"You don't have to drink this," she said, pulling a stool out beside her. "What do you like? Vermouth? Merlot? Long Island Iced Tea?"  
  
"I'll have…" he grabbed an amber-filled bottle from the shelf, "whatever this is."  
  
"Whiskey, good choice my man!"  
  
He read the label. "It's rye."  
  
"I guess that has to be something different," Eleanor said, tilting her head, "because the good old boys… were drinking whiskey AND rye."  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about." Nevertheless, he shrugged and poured a few fingers into a glass. "So what am I doing here?"  
  
"We are going to get drunk, monsieur! You have been worrying all day, and it's time to unwind."  
  
He squinted. "It's weird when you actually speak french, it's like a little hiccup in the translator." He seemed relaxed enough, taking a long sip before setting the glass down on a coaster. Of course he used a coaster.  
  
"Oh yeah?" Eleanor purred. "Croissant. Baguette. Voulez vous coucher-"  
  
"No!" Chidi jumped, putting a finger firmly over Eleanor's lips.  
  
She blinked up at him.  
  
"Do not get that song stuck in my head. I do _not_ do well with ear worms." He took his finger back and wrapped it around his glass.  
  
She was frozen for a moment. "Wait, how come you know Lady Marmalade but not American Pie?"  
  
"I know about pie," he objected. His look dropped. "Oh, you mean a song."  
  
"You know what," she proposed, taking a swallow of neon green liquor and sliding smoothly off her stool. "We're gonna get to know some culture tonight." She started flipping through the jukebox's collection. Everything was written in itty bitty text to squeeze in as many songs as possible. "Shirt, this has everything."  
  
"Nice," he said, following her. "We can take turns. I will acquaint you with Bedrich Smetana's masterful example of symphonic tone poem, after you play your American Pie."  
  
"Get ready to hold your horses," she warned, pressing the jukebox's buttons, "because this song is over 8 minutes long."  
  
-  
  
There was an empty bottle on the table and many more on the floor by the time Eleanor tried bringing some sex appeal to her dance moves. She felt great about it, and Chidi was sitting and nodding over and over, so that was probably good sign? This was a good plan. Getting drunk was a good plan.  
  
A whistle disrupted with the 90s RnB groove she'd gotten into. It was off beat, and _very_ train-y.  
  
"Is that the train?" Chidi asked. His nodding continued, but he was clearly perturbed.  
  
"Choo choo," she said seductively.  
  
His nodding got slower and slower as he thought, and then his eyebrows shot up. "It's probably Derek!"  
  
Eleanor stopped dancing. "Huh, I didn't think Mindy would be that quick," she slurred.  
  
"Maybe wind chimes were a deal breaker?"  
  
"He's got hands," she offered. "And a mouth."  
  
"That's true," he agreed.  
  
She couldn't tell if he caught her drift. Chidi was inscrutable right now. What was his busy brain hiding behind that giant forehead? Perhaps she'd never really know his deepest thoughts, no matter how much she felt she knew him. The song faded out.  
  
"Let's go see!" they said simultaneously.  
  
-  
  
First off, they were lucky it was dark. Because when they saw Vicky - very unDerek - getting off the train, they were able to mash up against a wall without being spotted by the demon who wanted to torture them for eternity.  
  
They were less lucky to be drunk. As they scrambled into hiding, a metal garbage can crashed against concrete and rolled out into the intersection.  
  
Vicky's head pricked up, and she started stalking over, squinting her eyes.  
  
"Janet!" Eleanor whispered.  
  
"Shshhhhsh!" went Chidi.  
  
"Hi guys! Are we hiding?"  
  
"Janet, make a raccoon."  
  
"What!?" went Chidi, shout-whispering.  
  
"You got it," said Janet, and out from her back came a chubby little fur bandit.  
  
Eleanor grabbed it and tossed it into the square.  
  
"Oh! My! God!" Chidi mouthed at her.  
  
The raccoon landed gently enough and took interest in a half-shattered biscotti from the spilled trash.  
  
Eleanor, Chidi, and Janet stuck their heads out from the corner.  
  
Vicky looked at the raccoon, scrunched up her brows, and then shrugged. Relaxed, she walked to the centre of the intersection. From under her arm she pulled out an object a bit like a metal tool box.  
  
"Janet," Chidi muttered, "what is that?'  
  
"I don't know," she answered, turning her head to the side as if that surprised her.  
  
Vicky placed it on the ground and pressed a series of buttons on the tablet in her hand. Then she kicked the box.  
  
Out from the top, a projection spewed into the air. Thin red numbers shined stark against the fluffy clouds and indigo sky. As Vicky got back on the train, whistling to herself, the numbers started to change. A countdown.  
  
Eleanor let her jaw drop. She hiccuped. "Uh oh."  
  
-  
  
Amazingly, Chidi conceded they were too drunk to deal with the situation.  
  
Janet pinky promised Eleanor that she was going to look into what the countdown was about, and the two humans went home to their clown house to sober up.  
  
He put on some coffee, and she hopped in the shower.  
  
With water running over her stupid, stupid head, Eleanor reviewed the evening's seduction attempt. She couldn't have predicted a doomsday device interrupting the evening, but actually, the more she thought about it, that is the sort of thing she should've come to expect. Before Vicky, they'd had some fun; talking and dancing. He hadn't picked up on much of her innuendo though. She wasn't sure if it was too subtle, or if she'd just been making crude references to sex so often since they met that he was numb to it. As she soaped up a loofah she realized that even the Shellstrop method had some weak points. Maybe she needed to turn the subtlety dial right down to zero.  
  
"Chidi!" she called, opening the washroom door completely, standing in the frame.  
  
She heard a yelp. Chidi came out of the kitchen with coffee grounds splashed across his shirt. "I took my hand off the grinder for a second-" he muttered looking at the mess. When he looked up she had an arm above her head and her hip jutted out, completely naked. "You…" he said, looking startled.  
  
She ran a hand through her hair. "I can't seem… to find a towel," she said in a super normal husky voice.  
  
He walked towards her and her pulse jumped.  
  
He turned his body to skootch through the doorway, and inside the bathroom he grabbed a towel from the rack beside the shower.  
  
"Oh!" she said, trying to stay husky. "My hero."  
  
He handed it to her, and scrunched his face. "It's really not that complicated."  
  
Ugh. "If you only knew," she muttered, as he walked back to the kitchen.


	3. Chapter 3

If Eleanor had to name the top two things she hated about her state of existence right now, 'being condescended to by Tahani' and 'being brushed off by Chidi' would immediately come to mind. The uncertainty of eternal damnation would show up a few lines later.  
  
As morning broke and the big countdown clock still loomed in the cotton fluff clouds, she had to make an unthinkable sacrifice.  
  
For the sake of winning Chidi, she was going to let herself be condescended to by Tahani.  
  
"I am just thrilled to hear that question, Eleanor! Go you," the orchid scented goliath chirped at her. "Although I must say, 'how can I seem more refined and shirt' is not the most articulate way to express your meaning."  
  
"Look, I don't need you to My Fair Lady me or anything, I just… could use some pointers on, I don't know, books and tea blends and caring about using a coaster. Fancy nerd stuff."  
  
"Well first, the coaster is not the object of interest itself, but rather the antique furniture it is placed upon. I remember one time Elizabeth Banks-"  
  
Eleanor raised a palm before Tahani's face. "I only need to pull this schtick for one date - hopefully - so if we can focus in on what will make me an appealing, eloquent, mature, non-drunken nudity trash heap within that small, reasonable context, that would be great."  
  
"Oh, Eleanor. I don't think you're a trash heap," Tahani said sympathetically.  
  
"Thanks."  
  
"Perhaps more like a small handbag with a bit of debris in it. A clutch, even."  
  
"I appreciate that, babe," nodded Eleanor with a pat on her shoulder.  
  
-  
  
A sweet breeze untangled fronds of weeping willow, releasing a yellow-green leaf to skim the surface of the lake delicately, spiraling in a gentle current.  
  
Eleanor was seated on a gingham blanket, arranging the angle of her stack of books and keeping a ladybug away from her scone platter. This time, instead of using Janet, Eleanor had handwritten a note inviting Chidi to the lakeside. She had also drawn a map on the back, because it was Chidi.  
  
When she saw him come into the glade her face couldn't help but beam. His eyes were on her note, fingers pressed to the same paper she'd touched. He was turning it over. And upside down. And he was walking the wrong way.  
  
"Chidi!" she called, waving.  
  
"Oh good," she heard him mumble, relieved. He half-jogged over and then looked very confused as he took in her set up. "I thought you had an idea about the countdown?"  
  
"A countdown! Is that was you think those numbers are? Fascinating theory. Come sit down, let's discuss."  
  
"Uhh…" he wavered, but he took a seat on the blanket and picked up a heavy book. "Are you using these to throw at ducks?"  
  
"HA!" she laughed. "No, no. I'm reading them. Isn't it said that "Mathematics is the only true metaphysics?"  
  
"William Thomson, yeah. I'm not sure I'm following?"  
  
"Every single thing in this place has been designed by beings a _lot_ smarter than us. Multi-dimensional perspectives, literal milleniums of experience and development. Why should we assume that the numbers up there aren't saying something more nuanced?"  
  
"'Millennia', but yes, I suppose that's a possibility…"  
  
Eleanor ground her teeth. All that nerd bait, and he only went for the latin grammar mistake. Should she be surprised? "Sooooo, that's why I gathered these books," she forced. "There's a chance we can stumble on a greater meaning."  
  
He picked up the first tome, trying to conceal an expanding grin. "I think a countdown is still the most likely option, but… I won't turn down a little studytime with my favorite study buddy."  
  
Buddy. Well, that was fine. She'd prepared for this. The silver platter bearing scones and elderflower spritzer also displayed a crystal vase of daffodils. "As well as mathematic philosophy and numerology, I also brought a cryptography book," she said, delicately pulling a flower from the bouquet. "Numbers can be code for many things… like this daffodil. In the Victorian language of flowers, it represents unrequited love." She extended her arm and touched the petals softly to his nose. "But it can also mean new beginnings."  
  
"I don't smell anything."  
  
Eleanor yanked it back and sniffed it herself. Damn, he was right. She decided to play this off by dragging it slowly against her cheek, which was unnecessary, because he was ignoring her again. She dropped the flower. What else had Tahani told her? Romance is all about serendipity. Eleanor let Chidi reach for a scone and 'absentmindedly' let her hand reach as well. Their knuckles brushed, and contrived or not, she still felt that sweep of electricity.  
  
Chidi apparently felt something else. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry! I just- I just assumed that these were for both- Oh no, I'm so embarrassed. Your private, personal scones, I'm an idiot."  
  
"Chidi! Of course they're for sharing! What the fork is a 'private scone'?" Her fingers were air quoting before she could stop them. She threw her hands down to her lap. "I mean… just go ahead and help yourself. Everything that's mine is yours."  
  
His face worked on an aggrieved smile while his shoulders relaxed. "Thanks, Eleanor."  
  
Keep it moving, Eleanor. She leaned forward, putting a strand of hair behind her ear, and repeated herself with a different intonation. "Chidi, I hope that you know: everything that's mine is yours."  
  
He put a hand on her shoulder. "Same goes for me."  
  
Her smile quirked, eyes big and blue.  
  
"Of course, it helps that we can summon more of anything at literally any time, and our material reality is completely manufactured. But yeah, that's what friends are for."  
  
She squeezed her mouth flat and wide and picked up a book to stare at. Looked like she was going to die alone, again. Up in the sky numbers kept reducing, one by one by one.  
  
-  
  
"You know what?" she offered after her debriefing with Tahani, "I'm looking at this the wrong way."  
  
"Oh?" said her host, blowing across their drying nail polish.  
  
"After the bajillionth time he called me a friend, I realized how stupid I was being, feeling rejected. I'm not rejected! I have better friends now than I ever did. I'm stressing myself out thinking about why can't it be like this or why can't he do that, but I am completely missing out on what's right in front of me."  
  
"Lavender finger nails," Tahani crooned.  
  
"Exactly!" Eleanor wiggled her hand against the soft towel she shared with Tahani. "And just like the fingers of the hand, I have four, maybe five great friends."  
  
"Maybe five?"  
  
"Hey Janet," Eleanor called.  
  
"Hi!"  
  
"Janet, are we friends?"  
  
"You betcha!"  
  
"Nice! Any progress with the mystery countdown box?"  
  
"Not at all."  
  
"Cool!" Eleanor nodded sharply before the non-girl, non-robot entity vanished again. She shrugged at Tahani. "I guess the thumb counts as a finger."  
  
"So what are you going to do now?"  
  
"You know, I think I'm just gonna celebrate. Really live in the moment."  
  
"Mm, is this perhaps because there's a giant countdown clock in the sky and we don't know what will happen when it hits zero?"  
  
"Only sort of," Eleanor said assertively. "Also, all that book-learning desperately needs to be countered with a trip to the arcade."


	4. Chapter 4

Lights were bouncing up and down meters, circling around jackpots, flashing along to the beat of the DDR machine. Who cares about the light projection in the sky? What even are numbers, really? The only numbers Eleanor cared about were the high scores on this Ms. Pac-Man video game that she was _obliterating_.  
  
Jason threw three mini basketballs at once. "I think it's gonna be lava. A huge volcano explosion, like that greek town, Palm Bay."  
  
"That's not beyond the realm of possibility," Michael mused. He was playing whack-a-mole halfheartedly. He'd been working with Janet all day to solve this mystery.  
  
"Perhaps it's measuring the time until a maid service comes through to tidy everything up. This place is in shambles, certainly even demons are concerned about safety and hygiene. At _least_ the appearances." Tahani said this with total assurance.  
  
"If they're coming to 'tidy up' it will be a bit less like dusting and a bit more like disintegrating us all into dust."  
  
"You are such a Gloomy Gus." Eleanor typed ASS into the rankings and then turned to lean against the controls. "We don't know anything. Maybe it's just fireworks."  
  
"I know a lot about fireworks. One time I saw a torpedo one. And a dragon one. Ooh! And a bottle shaped one, when I wanted to mix coke and mentos, except I forgot the mentos, so I used a bunch of cherry bombs, and my buddy gave it a cool name but I don't remember…"  
  
"That is pretty conclusive," Eleanor nodded.  
  
"The likelihood of it being-"  
  
"Cherry coke!" Jason bursted.  
  
Michael restarted. "The likelihood of it being a device that will not harm us in any way is near infinitesimal. Even if they have no concerns about us still being here, the neighborhood itself will be done like dinner."  
  
Eleanor grabbed her winning tickets and walked over to the demon. "Listen buddy, you take these and get yourself a nice balloon, how about that?"  
  
"A prize as hollow as the gesture."  
  
"You got it," Eleanor smiled, patting him on the shoulder.  
  
Chidi finally walked in the door, looking anxious.  
  
"There's my friend!" Eleanor crowed, throwing her hands up.  
  
"Ah, yes, I'm only here for a moment, I really need to get back to making a plan with Janet."  
  
"Plan it, Janet," she joked, waggling a finger.  
  
"Chidi," Tahani smoothed, "it's so lovely to see you. How was your picnic? Where the scones brittle, yet buttery?"  
  
"I, uh, don't recall?"  
  
"Oh. Well no matter. I'm sure the recipe didn't receive multiple awards from the Duke of Canterbury or anything."  
  
"No...?"  
  
Eleanor interjected. "Hey buddy, while I got you here pal, how about a friendly game of skee-ball?"  
  
"That's the one with the hoops?"  
  
"Rings, but you were _very_ close."  
  
"Tahaniii," Jason whined from across the room, "This machine won't take my quarters."  
  
She walked off towards him, mumbling "Quarters of what?"  
  
"So… skee-ball?" Eleanor re-offered.  
  
He sighed. "One game."  
  
One game turned into three, three turned into eight. At first Chidi was playing at the machine next to her, and from the sweat on his brow, pretty competitively. But after the fifth game of consecutive flawless victories, he was swept up in watching her.  
  
"How are you doing this?"  
  
She rolled another ball up the lane, putting a twist on it. "I just aim for the corners, that's the biggest score."  
  
"But the centre is the biggest target. If you miss the corner you get nothing."  
  
"Who's talking about missing," she said, hucking another ball right where she wanted it.  
  
"This is absurd," he grinned.  
  
"I just practiced a lot. You only get good at what you practice."  
  
The lights flashed again with another perfect game.  
  
"I've certainly heard that a lot," he said.  
  
"Well, most things people tell you to practice aren't as fun as skee-ball," she said, wiping her hands before droning "Like all the _ethics_ you've been teaching me."  
  
"Studying is different than practicing. It's much more... theoretical."  
  
She looked at him. "Yeah, it is, isn't it?"  
  
"I feel like you're trying to tell me something."  
  
Who was she kidding. Think all you want, you only get better by doing. She'd put a lot more time into loving him or denying that she loved him than she had into accepting he didn't love her back. She needed a lot more time to get good at that, and it was literally running out. Tick, tick, ticking away up there.  
  
Exhale. "I gotta go find Michael," she said, giving Chidi one last sad grin.  
  
He opened his mouth to speak, but she'd left the arcade by then, stepping over the pile of winning tickets.  
  
-  
  
In the past, Eleanor did two things when she listened to her heart about Chidi. She made things really confusing, and she made big choices for the greater good. They were often inseparable.  
  
"Michael, I'm likeable, right? I have a winning personality?"  
  
He was drinking merlot through a silly straw and tapping away on a tablet before he raised an eyebrow at her.  
  
"Is this about what I said? About Chidi not loving you back? It was just a speech, Eleanor. I really gotta focus on this timer."  
  
"Nope, nope," she balked. "It's not about being lovable, it's about just being likeable." She drew her finger in a line to clarify the bar she was setting.  
  
"I suppose so. I like you."  
  
"Exactly! And you're a demon! You've seen millions of people possibly, and you find me just plum interesting. What's that crazy Eleanor gonna get up to next? that's what you say. Let's _not_ blow her and her friends to smithereens."  
  
"I'm not sure I'm following."  
  
"Vicky spent a lot of time in this neighborhood. She got attached to us, at least a little. We shared a name for a bit. A lot of vibes were laid."  
  
Michael hummed, setting down his tablet.  
  
"I think… I think if she looked me in the face, she wouldn't kill me."  
  
"Oh Eleanor," he said softly, turning his face in that way of his.  
  
"If I mess with that machine, if I vandalize it or kick it over or something, do you think she'd come to check it out for herself?"  
  
"It's a possibility, but Eleanor, you'd be giving yourself away."  
  
"Well maybe she comes and we make friends and we add another demon to team cockroach. Woo!"  
  
"Or?"  
  
"Or maybe she chooses to take me away to be tortured forever for her pride and amusement," she recited mockingly. "But I'll tell you something about me. I may or not be likeable. But I am a very, very good liar. I can tell her I'm the only one here. I can sell that."  
  
He saw her determination. "The big heroic sacrifice, huh kiddo?"  
  
"It's…" she shrugged. "It's all I can offer. None of us can figure out what the device is gonna do. The only person who knows for sure is Vicky."  
  
"I'm gonna miss you," he said.  
  
"Tell Chidi and the rest about what happened, ok? Unless it's all KABLOOM, then I figure everyone will be on the same page."  
  
"Smushed into a one dimensional form, yes."  
  
She bumped his shoulder. "No biggie."


	5. Chapter 5

The intersection by the train station wasn't completely empty as she half-jogged towards the device. As she passed the woven bamboo window-boxes of FroZEN Yogurt, over by Something Good Is Gonna Happen Spoon's patio Chidi was talking to Janet with lots of frenetic hand movements.  
  
Eleanor became FroZEN herself. If she summoned Vicky right now, Chidi would be spotted. But how was she supposed to get him to leave? 'Hey buddy, I'm about to do something stupid and heroic, can you go hide like a little baby please?' He was too good of a person to just walk away. He was just too good. Fork, she loved him. It was such a hassle.  
  
She heard a chitter nearby. The raccoon from last night was eating a leaf of bamboo.  
  
"Who do you think you are, a panda?" She grabbed it, threw it towards the alley next to Chidi and Janet, and hid before they could look where it came from. Through the trellis of the patio she saw them both rounding away to investigate. Chidi holding out a flashlight for some reason, looking like off-brand Nancy Drew. He was so cute. There was enough red glow from the numbers overhead to see pretty much anything.  
  
She poked out of her hiding spot and looked up at the numbers. 00:00:03. Oh.  
  
She started running, leaping over bits of party debris and yet another sinkhole. She just needed to touch it, that had to be enough. She could save all of them, save him and-  
  
Everything was pure, cool darkness.  
  
No little wormy things or snowflakes dancing around her eyelids. She had her eyes completely open and saw nothing.  
  
Just. Nothing.  
  
Was… was she double dead?  
  
Except if she was dead, how could she think? Isn't that what Dess Carts had to say? Day cart? I think therefore I am? Mario Kart?  
  
No, no, she was definitely some version of alive. She ran her hands down her chest, and her heart was beating hard and fast. She grabbed at her hair. Still silky smooth and full of body. She was alive (still overall dead though) and she had a physical form that she could feel and move. She tried taking a step. Her foot found flat, hard darkness beneath her, but didn't make any sound. She stomped on it. Nothing. And then she heard breathing.  
  
Her pulse started going even faster. She hadn't thought about there being anyone else. When she held her own breath she could hear it clearer.  
  
There was something in this space with her. Something that sounded alive. Something that was going to hunt her?  
  
She'd been teleported to the bad place. They knew how much she loved constant stimulation; putting her in a featureless void would certainly be enough to break her to pieces. Having some mysterious presence in that void with her? A little cliche, honestly.  
  
She backed up, just in case. Slowly, slowly. She fought back a nervous hiccup, and her foot hit a wall. The angle was all wrong, definitely not 90 degrees. She reached up and couldn't feel a ceiling. She jumped a little, skimming it with her fingertips, letting out a "Hup!"  
  
"Eleanor?"  
  
She whipped around needlessly. "Chidi?!"  
  
"You're alright!?" he said; concern in his words filling the tiny space.  
  
She raced towards him, but the room was so small it ended up as a tackle, and they went flying against the angled bottom wall.  
  
"Oh Chidi," she started lamenting against his chest, "I should have given myself up to Vicky earlier, I was too swept up in my stupid feelings, and now we're in hell, and you're so good but you're trapped here with me in this little death hexagon and I'm gonna get you out of here, I swear I-"  
  
"Icosahedron."  
  
She rubbed away a bit of snot on his breast pocket. "What?"  
  
"It's not your fault," he said softly, putting an arm around her shoulders. "And we're in a 20-sided polyhedron."  
  
"How can you _know_ that?"


	6. Chapter 6

Chidi had taken just a little break from making crisis management plans with Janet to see Eleanor and the gang at the arcade. Mostly because Janet - an eternally patient support entity - had said he was 'wigging her out', but also because if everything went wrong, he did want to see his friends one last time.  
  
And seeing friends became seeing Eleanor. And then Eleanor became magically, absurdly good at skee-ball incredible Eleanor. The way she rocked forward on the tips of her toes as she followed through on a throw. The determined smirk on her face. The little trail of sweat on the nape of her neck under the neon lights. How lightly she took everything, and her gaze swept back to him like he was part of it.  
  
When she left to talk to Michael he felt a little hollowed out. The lights dimmed.  
  
He remembered how little time any of them had.  
  
Bolting back to Janet was sobering, in a bitter way.  
  
"You have got to have something by now, right? he said, gulping up at the shrinking numbers.  
  
"I have an infinite amount of things, yes. If you mean do I know what that device will do, then no. I'm locked out of accessing any information about it. That firewall is a toughie. Remember when I tried to touch it?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm really glad your arm grew back."  
  
"I have extra fingernails this time."  
  
Chidi grimaced. Fingernails were something you really only wanted the typical number of. Very narrow margin of error. Too few, too many… really, even in normal quantities they're still weird. He focused. "You must have some sort of abortive protocol, some way out of the neighborhood."  
  
She waved elegantly towards the train station like a game show host.  
  
"No no, we'd just get captured. We need another option. What… what do you do when you want to not be in the neighborhood?"  
  
"Me? I just go to my void," she smiled.  
  
"Can… I… go to your void?"  
  
"You would immediately perish in the face of infinity."  
  
"No matter what? There's not like a little pocket you could put us into? A non-infinite pocket?"  
  
"I mean, I could make a counter-dimensional icosahedron you could fit in, but if you had no stimulus you'd basically lose it anyway."  
  
"Anything we can do about that?" he said anxiously, eyes flashing back up to the remaining minute.  
  
"I suppose I could put you in with another human. Humans love humans. That might be enough."  
  
"Yes! Let's try that!" Chidi shouted immediately, hands flapping.  
  
"Should I put all the humans together? It would be a tight squeeze, although Tahani is 38% hair."  
  
"You can make more than one counter-dimensional icosahedron?"  
  
"Yep, I think I could make… 6? Maybe? I've never tried it," she beamed.  
  
"Two is enough. Tahani and Jason could go in one, maybe Michael as well, I'm not sure what his brain can take…"  
  
"That leaves you and Eleanor."  
  
"Perfect, all sorted out," Chidi smiled.  
  
"I don't know how long I'll have to hold you in there. If they destroy this neighborhood it could take a really long time before I can set you down some place less void-y. Are you sure you'll be alright with just Eleanor?"  
  
"Yes," he said astonishingly quickly. Then he spoke slowly, the words a little loaded, "Eleanor is… very stimulating. For me."  
  
"Ok! You got it, playboy!"  
  
Something slammed into a streetlight, scattering sparks down into the alley beside them and making a guttural noise.  
  
Wordlessly, Janet handed Chidi a flashlight, and wordlessly he turned it on and held it out. He was edging towards the strange scratchy movement when everything sucked into perfect black.  
  
-  
  
"So… we're in Janet right now?"  
  
"I don't think we're _in_ Janet. Just a plane of existence made penetrable by Janet."  
  
"Penetrable?"  
  
"The point is, we're safe for now. I know it's not ideal, but it's not the bad place. You're… you're safe."  
  
"Ok," Eleanor breathed. "So you chose this. Got it. I don't need to rescue you."  
  
"In a way," Chidi mused, "I rescued you."  
  
"Mm, pretty sure Janet did all the work on that one, but nice try." Eleanor felt really warm and nice. She realized it was because she was still mushed up against Chidi. She tried to wrest her way up, but the wall was so weirdly angled, it just pushed them both lower. "Sorry! Sorry. I guess I should-"  
  
"Don't worry about it," he said abruptly. "It's a- It's a small icosahedron." He said it like a classic idiom. Very, very close to Eleanor's face.  
  
"But you don't like…"  
  
"I… like."  
  
Wait what?  
  
She felt him pull a hand out from underneath them and gingerly touch her hair.  
  
"Just to be clear," Eleanor said, squinting sight-unseen, "You like being crushed by a tiny blonde inside a freaky sphere made of triangles in absolute darkness? Or you like… me?"  
  
He huffed, it sounded like bashful laughter. "I guess… I guess it's kind of silly how easily I realized."  
  
EASY!?  
  
"Faced with the possibility of having nothing but you, it uh, it got a lot simpler."  
  
"Oh." So small, half of the sound stayed sitting on her tongue.  
  
"And especially after seeing you play skee-ball… I really couldn't ignore it."  
  
Her volume reversed instantly. " _Skee-ball?_ "  
  
"You were so unapolegetically you. And you're good at being you. I like that. About you. I'm saying 'you' a lot?"  
  
There was a lot to unpack. Too much. She lay her head back on his chest. "What's gonna happen when we get out?"  
  
"I don't know. Maybe it'll be an entirely new neighborhood. Maybe we're here forever, if Janet gets destroyed. It could be anything."  
  
"Just a different place though, right?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
Eleanor scrunched some of his shirt in her little fist. "We're not gonna get our memories wiped again, are we?"  
  
She sounded so pathetic. Even in pitch black she couldn't conceal her vulnerability. Just perfect. Fork.  
  
"Oh," said Chidi, and she knew he understood.  
  
"It's just, if the neighborhood is destroyed, we don't have the note, or the tape. We'd have nothing."  
  
"Well," he said, comforting voice turning into awkward comforting voice, "We didn't have the tape... when we made the tape."  
  
"Maybe we had something else though. Maybe we've always had clues and short cuts and GameFAQS, and this time we won't have anything."  
  
"I," he breathed, "I can't believe I'm saying this. But... I don't think you need to worry about that."  
  
"Yeah?" said Eleanor, feeling his heartbeat against her cheek.  
  
And she was standing in the absurdly bright twilight of the intersection by the train station, blinking against the shining red numbers flashed against the sky.


	7. Chapter 7

"Forrrrk," she said, obviously.  
  
The numbers were the exact same as they were in the moments after Vicky had set the device.  
  
She still had her memories though. So it wasn't her worst case scenario. She breathed in, and out. It's fine. She'd thought a lot about living through a Groundhog Day situation. Mostly about pulling pranks and cheating at Jeopardy, but she could improvise. (Of course there's no Jeopardy in heaven, even a fake one. Why would you ever answer with a question?)  
  
"This is an unexpected turn," Michael said. She suddenly realized everyone else was standing dumbfounded in the square beside her.  
  
"What is an inescapable countdown?" she whined.  
  
"Eleanor?" Chidi asked.  
  
"Chidi!" she called, and rushed to him. "Listen, this may be confusing, but I would not joke about this. I'm Groundhog-Day-ing."  
  
"You're right, that is confusing."  
  
"I've seen this all before! The device, the numbers; everything. The raccoon! I'm in a time loop."  
  
"I assure you, you're not in time loop."  
  
She rolled her eyes, and then her whole head, swiveling in irritation. "Ugh, this is just like in the movies, nobody believes-"  
  
Chidi grabbed her roving shoulders and held her in place. "Eleanor?"  
  
"What is it, nerd?" she pouted.  
  
He laid one on her.  
  
His lips were super smooth (does he use cocoa butter?) and so secure and warm and _wonderful_ as they pressed against hers with determined gentleness and an unmistakable edge of repressed passion. She melted a little bit and then licked back at him, reveling. She could feel there were more sparks to chase there.  
  
As they pulled apart they blinked twice in unison.  
  
"Like a butterfly resting its wings," Tahani said.  
  
_"What?"_  
  
"Oh, that's just what your cute little faces reminded me of. So happy for you both. Go Eleanor!" She raised a little fist to give the briefest pump. "Now that we're all smooched up, can I inquire as to what the devil just happened?"  
  
"Oh yeah," Eleanor reflected. "If this isn't a time loop, how come the neighborhood… exists?"  
  
"Well," Janet smiled, "Turns out that device isn't meant to destroy us."  
  
"Phew," swooned Michael.  
  
"It's meant to monitor us."  
  
"Oh no."  
  
"Not all the time!" she reassured. Janet made a go at humor from one side of her mouth, "This is the bad place, not facebook, am I right?"  
  
"So how does it work?" Chidi asked, a hand lingering on Eleanor's shoulder.  
  
"Every so often it scans the neighborhood for humans. Like a Janet, except not like a Janet at all. That's why I couldn't analyze it."  
  
"So the countdown is just a delay before it scans again?"  
  
"Like when you need time to get your pants down and climb on top of the photocopier!"  
  
"Exactly like that, Jason."  
  
"Mm, one question, hasn't _quite_ been addressed: Why was I sent to a terrible shadow dimension?"  
  
"I did that!"  
  
"It was my idea," Chidi piped up. "Put us in a pocket of Janet's void temporarily, so we can avoid the device."  
  
"Well if it's going to keep happening again and again, can I please request a lamp? Perhaps a tea service? Ooh, and a mirror!"  
  
Michael considered this. "The physical representation of self is ambiguous here, since people feel ownership of and identify with many arbitrary physical objects, like clothes and human flesh and hair. I suppose… As easily as you could decide your right leg isn't really part of you, you could probably imagine that the tea service is."  
  
"I like my legs," she said, defensively.  
  
"So like... I could wake up with my teeth turned to diamonds if I thought about it real hard?"  
  
"It would have to be really, really hard," Michael said skeptically.  
  
"Like a diamond!" Jason said, piecing it all together.  
  
"So this is going to keep happening... indefinitely?" Eleanor piped up.  
  
"Until Vicky and the rest decide to change strategies. We don't know what they're getting up to down there." Michael gestured weirdly.  
  
"Ok. Still doomed then, eventually. But for now… I guess this is like a little mini-vacation, in a way."  
  
"To pure, empty, darkness?" Tahani reminded.  
  
"It's not empty," Eleanor smiled, looking over her shoulder at her willing icosahedron-mate.  
  
Chidi's eyebrows lifted. "For once, a vacation I don't have to pack for."  
  
"So romantic," she drawled.  
  
The group dispersed as he rambled on, "No luggage weight limits, no passports or security, no sunburns - that one is right out, definitely. No waterborne illnesses…"  
  
She took his hand, and the fingers were still a little new, finding their way together, but it was good. And it would get even better. She liked the idea of practice.  
  
"Let's go finish off that giraffe."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Were there any bits you really liked? Please let me know! I want to get better and better at writing, and your feedback helps me know what works <3


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